New Year’s Resolutions

by Ian Doescher

 

New Year's Resolutions

Andy Warhol’s painting “2017” from his series, “Years I will never know.” *

Another year is almost upon us, and with it comes an opportunity to reflect on our lives and what we’d like to improve about them. Statistics tell us that something like 98% of New Year’s resolutions are broken by noon on January 1st,* so one might wonder why we bother in the first place.

It seems there’s a natural human inclination to want to better ourselves, and the start of a new year is a good time to reflect on new beginnings. The first-ever New Year’s resolution known to humanity was made by Julius Caesar, Emperor of Rome: 45 BC was about to become 44 BC, and he resolved to live through the next year with health and joy! (His resolution was broken when he was assassinated by his own senators.)*

2017 will bring exciting opportunities to the world, which may effect or enhance our ability to carry out certain resolutions. For instance, Starbucks announced recently that they have manufactured and will be introducing a zero-calorie espresso drink,* and 24 Hour Fitness plans to put antigravity chambers into each of its fitness centers.* As Forbes magazine said, in their 2017 Technology Preview, “With the advent of  such technological advances as chocolate-flavored celery, DIY-gastric banding kits, and Fitbit skin implants, New Year’s resolutions will be easier than ever to keep in 2017.”

Alcohol manufacturers are getting in on the game this year, too. Knowing that 32% of all New Year’s resolutions include reducing alcohol consumption,* Budweiser is rolling out its new “Merica” beer (“The beer you love without the A!”),* Jack Daniels whiskey is introducing its nonalcoholic version—Lil’ Jimmy Daniels—and microbrews across the country will introduce a new nonalcoholic pale ale called “super pale ale.”*

Me, I’m keeping it simple this year. My New Year’s resolution for my blog articles, starting today, is to fill the Pivot blog with the kind of hard-hitting, fact-filled prose you’ll find on other blogs. Then maybe, as Steve Jobs once said, “Success will be written one resolution at a time.”*

 

* These facts and quotes are made up.

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